


Where Demons Hide

by goodluckgettingtosleep



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Coping, Dan's struggling with his demons, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Phil's mum has no chill, Phone Call, Swearing, flashbacks to 2009, long distance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 23:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10887255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodluckgettingtosleep/pseuds/goodluckgettingtosleep
Summary: Groaning into his pillow, Dan reached for his phone. Of course he had to spiral into the the black abyss of his mind when Phil was still on holiday with his family, thousands of miles away. A holiday he could’ve been a part of, but decided to miss out on in favour of spending some time alone in their new flat, recharging and finding the desperately needed inspiration for a new video.Or, Dan is struggling with anxiety and the one person he needs is thousands of miles away.





	Where Demons Hide

**Author's Note:**

> Hello.
> 
> This is my first time venturing into the realm of phanfic and I'm excited, but also a bit scared so... bear with me.
> 
> I wrote this mainly as a way of dealing with my own issues, so everything Dan's experiencing is loosely based on my own issues/experiences. It's also based on what he talked about in his last live show (May 2nd, 2017). 
> 
> Aside from that there is also a lot of fluff thrown in there, including a flashback to 2009 because we all need to feel warm and fuzzy sometimes (especially when dealing with mental health issues), and what's better for that than young love and domestic bliss? 
> 
> This probably doesn't need saying, but I want to say it anyway:
> 
> I do not, in any way, want to make any assumptions about Dan as a person or the mental health issues he's struggling with. This is a character that is based on and highly influenced by what I know about Dan (and Phil) and I chose to explore this version of him(/them) as a way of dealing with my own struggles. 
> 
>  
> 
> This is not beta'd, and English is not my first language, so anything sounding weird is on me. I'm sorry.

Dan was restless. He wasn’t used to being alone, even though he sometimes craved the solitude of an empty flat. He needed it sometimes, the loneliness; he needed to be left alone with a book or his laptop, just spending time reading or getting lost on tumblr. Dan needed that time to recharge; to find new inspiration and motivation, the energy that was necessary to get through life.

Usually he didn’t mind having Phil around, even during his recharge sessions. Phil was the only person he never minded having around; he was familiar, he was home. They’d known each other for so long and were so close that each other’s presence didn’t drain their energy; if anything they only helped each other recharge. There were times, however, when Dan was glad to be without him for a few hours. There were times when he just wanted to be alone, completely and totally.

Tonight was not one of those nights. Phil wasn’t there and Dan felt himself spiralling, which was never good to begin with but even worse when Phil wasn’t around. He felt bad about everything, himself, his looks, his channel, his life. _Everything_. Everything felt wrong and pointless, and anxiety was crawling up on him, trying to choke him with its cold claws. He liked to called it advanced existential crisis; because he wasn’t just feeling empty and meaningless, he was feeling goddamn awful.  

It didn’t happen a lot anymore these days; he was happy, overall. But sometimes it still did, sometimes his brain tricked him into believing that it wasn’t enough; that it was still all pointless and he was failing at life, that he was a constant disappointment to himself and everyone around him.

More than anything he just needed Phil in those moments when he felt like he couldn’t breathe, when he was feeling dizzy and the world was just blurring in front of his eyes. Because Phil was the one thing in his life that was always good, and never pointless. He just had to look at him and was filled with a special kind of warmth, a feeling that no one else could give him. And Dan was so fucking lucky to have him; sometimes he still couldn’t believe it. Phil was the guy he’d spent years admiring through a computer screen; the guy who had made him smile when no one else could during High School, and without even knowing. Dan still remembered the day he’d replied to him on Twitter for the first time. June 2nd, 2009. He’d yelled so loudly that his little brother had come bursting into his room, asking if he was okay. And Dan had just grinned at him like an idiot.

Dan had been in love with Phil since before they’d even met in real life, and he was so incredibly lucky that Phil had not only noticed him, but for some reason that Dan still couldn’t explain to this day, returned his feelings in the same way. Even when Dan felt like crap, Phil would always look at him like he was made of stars and moonlight, like he was the most important person in the entire world.

When nothing in the world could make him feel better, Phil still could.

Groaning into his pillow, Dan reached for his phone. Of course he had to spiral into the the black abyss of his mind when Phil was still on holiday with his family, thousands of miles away. A holiday he could’ve been a part of, but decided to miss out on in favour of spending some time alone in their new flat, recharging and finding the desperately needed inspiration for a new video.

His hands were shaking ever so slightly as he opened his contacts. Phil was right at the top, his last call. Of course he was. Dan felt like a heavy weight was pressing down on his chest as he was waiting for his boyfriend to pick up. What time was it in Florida? Four or five in the morning? Dan sighed.

“I’m sorry, Phil,” he mumbled to himself.

“Huuuuh?” Phil grumbled in lieu of a hello; he sounded like Dan had startled him out of a deep slumber; well, he probably had. “Dan?”

“Phil! Thank fuck,” Dan said quietly.

“Did something happen?” Phil asked, more awake now, sounding slightly alarmed. “Are you okay?”

Dan sighed.

“No. No, I’m not.”

“What happened?” Phil was awake now, and worried, and Dan felt bad for scaring him like that when it was really just his own mind playing ugly tricks on him.

“Nothing, not really, it’s just. You know my brain, I’m… God, Phil I just want to be hit by a truck. I can’t breathe, I--”

“Okay,” Phil said, immediately knowing what Dan meant, “It’s okay, Dan. You’re okay. It’s going to be fine, I promise,” Phil told him, his voice calm and reassuring. Okay.

“I just wish you were here,” Dan all but whined. He didn’t mean to, he just felt like crying and wallowing in self pity for a bit. He often did when his mind was torturing him like that.

Phil sighed. “I wish I was there, too.”

Dan closed his eyes and pressed his free hand against his forehead. “I miss you.”

He listened to Phil’s steady breaths for a moment, in and out, before Phil finally returned the sentiment. “I miss you, too.”

Dan’s heart was aching for him in that moment. Why had he thought it was a good idea to be separated for two whole weeks? They were rarely apart for such long periods of time, and neither of them was used to it. Neither of them particularly liked it either, but Dan had just felt like he needed some days to himself. And he had; the first three days had been perfect, but now…

Phil sounded sad. Dan understood. They understood each other without many words most of the time; a skill that could only be acquired by spending years practically glued to each other. 8 years now, almost. A bit over a third of his life.

His rather pointless life; just an endless succession of failures.

Well, maybe that was not true. He knew it wasn’t. He just had to look at his subscriber count and knew it wasn’t true; he just had to look at his mentions on twitter. Yet, his brain did his best to convince him otherwise; to tell him that he wasn’t good enough still. That people were lying. Why would they have any interest in him or his life? Or if they weren’t lying, because why would they, _brain?_ Well maybe then it was just because he was tricking them into thinking he was more than he actually was. He was a con artist.

Dan felt his throat constricting again, and he had trouble breathing.

An involuntary sob escaped him, and he quickly put his hand over his mouth.

“ _Dan,”_ Phil breathed, “Oh Dan, I’m so sorry that this is happening tonight. I wish I could be there to tell you this in person, and to hold you until it’s okay again, but I can’t, and this has to suffice tonight. Okay?” Dan could hear him take a deep breath and he nodded, pointlessly. “Look. I know you feel like you aren’t enough, but Dan. You are _everything_ to me, you know that, right? How could you not be enough when there is no one else I would ever want to spend my life with?”

Another sob. Dan knew Phil meant it; he always did. And even if he didn’t know, the candour of his voice would’ve been enough to convince him.

“You know your brain is lying to you. It’s tricking you, and you don’t have to believe everything it tells you. It’s a mean, wobbly thing. Slimy too, I assume. Can be your friend, but can also be your worst enemy.”

A chuckle escaped Dan’s lips, directly followed by another sob. Only Phil could still make him laugh in his worst moments.

“Slimy, Phil? Really?” Dan managed to say, his voice broken, but the amusement and fondness apparent in his tone.

“It is slimy! There is blood and… body juices on it.”

And that was it. Dan burst into loud laughter, everything else forgotten for a moment.

“Body juices? Dude, that’s like the worst thing you ever said,” he said, practically wheezing now, because he was laughing so hard.

“Hey! It is body juices! Just because _your_ mind goes to something entirely else right away--” Phil started to protest, but that only made Dan laugh harder.

“I never said anything of the sort, that’s another thing _you_ just made up! You’ve got a dirty mind, Phil Lester.”

Phil chuckled immaturely, before clearing his throat and saying in a deep, suggestive voice: “Well, you know it.”

Only that he didn’t really sound suggestive, but rather like someone who tried too hard to be, and it would sound ridiculous if he wasn’t so adorable.

Dan burst into another fit of laughter, and tears were streaming down his cheeks for an entirely different reason now. For the first time in hours he felt the heavy weight lifting off his chest.

“I do. I just wish our audience would believe me when I say so.”

“You want them to know I have a dirty mind?”

Dan chuckled. “No, I want them to know you’re not as innocent as you claim to be.”

“Hey!” Phil protested again. “I’ve made an effort this year. I’m 30 now, I gotta start slacking a little.”

“Do you, then?” Dan raised an eyebrow, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Weren’t you complaining about me swearing in one of your live shows only a few weeks ago?”

“Well, the F-word is a bit much. There is no need for that. Plus, I let you use it on the gaming channel sometimes. No bleeping lately.”

Dan shook his head, amusement bubbling in his stomach. “Phil, it’s only not bleeped when I edited the video. Also… _the F-word_ , really? What are you, ten? I’ve heard you say the word countless times in… well, _all_ _sorts of situations_ , Philip, no need for false pretenses now.”

“I know, but my Mum could be listening,” Phil told him in a lower voice that just made Dan laugh again.

“Phil! It’s the middle of the night for you, just say the fucking word! You’re a grown ass fucking adult, start _slacking_ a little.”

“ _Dan!”_ Phil was almost scandalised at abundance of swearing in only two short sentences, and it was all just too funny. Dan wrapped his free arm around his stomach, trying to make it hurt a little less, and took a deep breath in an attempt to get the tone was aiming for right when he said,

“I knew you wouldn’t say it. Not when _your Mum_ could maybe possibly hear you, you age-old loser.”

Dan heart Phil suck in a breath and smirked. He knew he’d pushed the right buttons.

“Fuck!” he hissed, triumph apparent in his voice, and then added, “I hate you, Dan. I fucking hate you.”

Dan laughed fondly and felt that special kind of warmth spreading in his chest.

“That’s my man!”

There was a moment of silence, and Dan was almost certain he could hear someone talking in the background. Then,

“No-- No, Mum. That’s not how I usually talk to Da-- Oh, for god’s sake, no! No, we’re not having a row, Mum. We’re not breaking up! … What?! No! Mum! _Of course_ I love Dan, that’s not--- I know you didn’t raise me that way…. No. I’m sorry. …. What? …. Okay, okay! I’ll tell him!”

Dan was just writhing around on his bed at that point, trying his hardest not to laugh out loud. This was just _too good_.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t mean that. I love you, and I’m sorry. Okay?”

Dan couldn’t help laughing fondly as he replied: “I’ll forgive you this time. But only because I love you, too.”

They rarely said the big three words to each other anymore. Simply because they didn’t need to. They both knew it was true, and sometimes actions spoke louder than words. Nevertheless, it was nice to hear it every once in awhile.

“Happy now?” he heard Phil say. He sounded surprisingly annoyed and just a tad too sassy, compared to what he usually sounded like when he was talking to his Mum. “Great!” There was a soft thud in the background and Dan assumed it was Kathryn closing the door. Dan burst into laughter again, and was soon joined by Phil - and god, Dan loved the sound of his laugh.

“Why--” Dan gasped, trying to get enough oxygen to actually form a sentence while he was still laughing uncontrollably. “How-- How did she even hear that, isn’t it the middle of the night for you?”

“It is, but the walls are paper-thin here and apparently she was on her way back from the toilet,” Phil said, chuckling like it was the most hilarious thing ever, but Dan knew that he was embarrassed too, his cheeks probably tinged red but barely visible in his - presumably dark - room.

“Bad luck, mate.”

“Luck has nothing to do with it, this is entirely your fault.”

Dan shrugged, ignoring the fact that Phil couldn’t see it. He tilted his head and said innocently: “Is it?”

“It is, just as it usually is when I find myself in situations like this.”

“Well, I feel like your Mum just has an instinct telling her when you least want her to show up, so she goes and does just to spite you.”

Phil chuckled. “That’s probably true. Remember how she found out about us?”

Dan snorted and felt his cheeks growing warm even though there was no one around and the incident would have its 8th anniversary later in the year.

“Yes, Phil. As it was lowest moment of my entire existence it has burned itself into my memory and I can never ever forget. I could hit my head and lose all my memories, but that I would still remember.”

“That was your fault. I was just trying to be nice and make you pancakes. You were the one who a) started throwing flour and eggs at me and b) then moved on to snogging me senseless, even though we were both covered in flour and yolk.”

Dan sighed. Yes, in hindsight it had been a terrible idea to shove Phil up against the kitchen counter and kiss him in middle of his parents’ kitchen first thing in the morning, but he’d been a horny teenager falling fast and hard, and Phil had just looked too adorable covered in baking ingredients.

Their kiss had quickly turned into a proper make-out session, because while Phil hadn’t been a teenager anymore, he’d still been defenseless against Dan’s _everything,_  really, and he’d been falling just as fast and hard with no way to catch himself.

“Well, you weren’t exactly  _objecting_ , you know?” Dan said in an attempt to defend himself, amusement audible in his voice. All embarrassment aside, it was exactly a bad memory after all.

Dan had just shoved a hand under Phil’s shirt when they’d heard a surprised gasp and jumped apart, both blushing furiously when they spotted Phil’s Mum in the doorway.

“Mum!” Phil had yelped, the horror visible on his face.

She’d been gaping at them like she’d seen a ghost, eyes wide and surprise apparent on her face. Phil hadn’t told her about them yet; he hadn’t even told her that he liked boys just as much as he liked girls. Seemingly on instinct, she’d turned around and left the room again, uttering something that sounded like an apology, but Dan assumed she’d remembered quickly that it was her house, and her _son_ messing around in the kitchen and she’d returned only a few seconds later, hands on her hips.

“You’re--” she’d started, shaking her head, but quickly regaining her composure.  “Well. Are you-- I gather Dan is not just your new friend but your _boy_ friend then, Philip?” she’d asked with a smile.

Phil had bitten his lip and avoided his mother’s gaze.

“I--um-- well, he--” he’d stuttered. They boyfriend label had still been fresh for them; they’d only made it ‘official’ a few weeks earlier when Dan had spent a whole week at Phil’s house. There’d been a few moments of silence before Phil sighed in defeat and looked a bit like a scared puppy when he said, “Yes. Yes, Dan is my boyfriend.”

“It’s okay, love. I just wish you had told me,” his Mum had said softly before crossing the room and wrapping him in a tight embrace, ignoring the fact that he was still covered in baking ingredients. “I’d be lying if I said I’m not surprised, but Phil - you know you can always talk to me, right? I love you no matter what. You want to be with a boy? Fine with me as long as you are happy. Okay?”

Phil had nodded, a relieved smile tugging at the corner of his mouth and his eyes gleaming with unshed tears. He’d been shaking a little, and Dan really couldn’t blame him. He himself had still just been standing there, cheeks bright red and dying inside, knowing he was currently experiencing the most embarrassing moment of his entire existence.

Phil’s Mum had then turned to him and pulled him into a hug as well, squeezing tightly while Dan had been staring at Phil over her shoulder, eyes wide with surprise.

“Aren’t you a lovely young man?” she’d said softly, “You’ll treat him well, won’t you?”

“O--Of course!” Dan had stuttered, still frozen to the spot.

“That being said,” she’d continued as she’d stepped back with a stern look on her face. “What kind of mess is this? Throwing food around, is that how I raised you, Philip?”

Phil had taken a step back, suddenly looking like a small child being told off.

“N-No. No, I’m sorry, Mum. We’re going to clean this up.”

“You bet you are.”

And that had been that. She’d made them clean the entire kitchen, AND the bathroom after they’d taken - separate, of course - showers.  

The situation had been pretty chill after that; but it hadn’t kept Dan from feeling embarrassed for months after - hell, he still felt embarrassed 8 years later.

 

“Maybe I didn’t exactly _object_ , but what was I supposed to do? You were kissing me!”

Dan chuckled. “I don’t know, maybe push me away?”

Phil snorted at that. “Funny. As if I ever had the strength of mind around you to do such a thing.”

Dan grinned to himself as he was playing with the corner of his duvet.

“Well, that’s hardly my fault then, is it?”

There was a pause before Phil suddenly burst into laughter.

“Remind me why we’re arguing over something that happened 8 years ago?”

“Because your Mum just forced you to assure me that you still love me.”

“Ahh yes, she did that, didn’t she? Well, guess the cat is out of the bag.”

Dan sighed dramatically. “And here I was hoping I could finally get rid of you.”

They both started laughing, and Dan felt the joy in his chest spreading all over him until his belly started hurting and he clutched at it, gasping for breath.

Their laughter slowly ceased until they were just panting heavily, and Dan couldn’t even remember why he’d called in the first place. All he was feeling now was warmth, and joy, and _love_ , his demons long forgotten and pushed far away into the back of his mind.

“I love you, Dan.”

Dan smiled. His demons never stood a chance against Phil.

“I love you too, Philip.”

There was another moment of silence, and Dan just wanted to _kiss him_ , but he knew it had been the right decision to fly home earlier and spend some time alone. The benefits far outweighed the negatives. _A few more days_ , he thought to himself.

“Are you feeling better?” Phil asked softly.

“You know I am. Only you can always make me feel like maybe I’m okay after all.”

 

It was the one truth that always kept Dan from drowning, the one thing he was absolutely certain of, the ultimate bane of his demons, the fact that had saved him so many times before and would save him so many times more:

 

With Phil by his side, Dan would always be okay.

 

He slept well that night; but the days were long and the nights were lonely, and Dan was infinitely happy when Phil finally returned to their new home.

 

And when his demons came back to visit him, he knew he could deal with them. It was a struggle every time, but Dan was strong; he was strong on his own, even though he had trouble believing it sometimes, but he was even stronger with Phil by his side, holding his hand, whispering words of reassurance into his ear, or just making him laugh and distracting him from the darkness of his own mind.

  
Because in the end life was much better than the demons in his head made it out to be.


End file.
